I had a blog scheduled to be posted today that explains how I came up with a list of boundaries and expectations for my husband after he shared the full disclosure letter. However, I need to share with you something that happened just yesterday (5/27/15).
I have had this nagging disconnect with my middle daughter (Fallon) for months...
I refuse to reminisce her beautiful birth, I won’t look at her baby pictures, and engaging with her on an emotional level has been difficult to say the least. Even as I write this I am tempted to sugar coat my real thoughts; that I sometimes feel like she isn’t my kid. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, until yesterday it dawned on me while watching her eat breakfast; my daughter is a trigger.
A trigger is something or someone who reminds a person of a traumatic event they experienced.
It sends them into a frenzy of pain as it puts the person back into vivid replays of the event itself. I have lots of triggers and they can be paralyzing.
My daughter was born last October. Last October my husband was in the deepest part of his affair, engaging with the other woman for roughly 2 hours per day. I didn’t know that at the time of her birth, but it was a traumatic finding when I caught my husband. For a while I needed to protect my heart from seeing any pictures from that time of our lives, but it has most definitely had an impact on life with my little girl.
I didn't want to be known as a bad mother.
I panicked when I realized this was happening, but trying to figure these feelings out alone is not an option. I had to tell my husband. I needed to talk it out. When I told him how I felt about her, his response was shocking and freeing;
”Leslie. I am so sorry you are feeling that way, it must be awful. Fallon is innocent. She didn’t text/email/talk inappropriately with another woman. I did. It is not her fault. When you feel that disconnect with her, I want you to remember that I am the one who caused you to feel that way and put the burden back on me. Let me carry it. I am so sorry I did this to our family. Thank you for telling me. I love you. Please enjoy your daughter, she is a gift.”
My husband and I are still deeply affected by this traumatic event, and possibly always will be.
But this morning I woke up free. Free to love my daughter, kiss her madly, listen to her giggles and know that she indeed, is my daughter. Thank God that he can and does change a man’s heart. My daughter may be a momentary trigger, but we can talk about that.
Back to our sceduled program, folks...